Co-Parenting Communication: 10 Tips for Reducing Conflict

Effective communication with your co-parent can be challenging, especially when emotions are still raw. But clear, calm communication is one of the most important things you can do for your children. This guide offers practical strategies that work even in difficult co-parenting relationships.

Why Communication Matters

Research consistently shows that children do better when their parents can communicate effectively, regardless of the custody arrangement. When parents can’t communicate:

Children may feel caught in the middle
Important information about the child gets lost
Small issues escalate into major conflicts
Children learn unhealthy communication patterns

The goal isn’t to become friends with your co-parent. It’s to develop a working relationship focused on your children’s wellbeing.

The BIFF Method

One widely recommended approach for high-conflict communication is the BIFF method, developed by Bill Eddy:

Brief

Keep messages short. Long messages often contain inflammatory content or veer off-topic.

Instead of: “I can’t believe you’re asking me to switch weekends AGAIN. You always do this at the last minute and it completely disrupts my plans. Last month you did the same thing and I had to cancel my…”

Try: “I’m not able to switch weekends this time. I have existing commitments.”

Informative

Stick to facts and necessary information. Avoid opinions, emotions, or commentary.

Instead of: “Emma clearly doesn’t want to go to your house because you let her stay up too late and eat junk food.”

Try: “Emma mentioned she’s been tired at school. Her teacher suggested she needs more sleep during the week.”

Friendly

A neutral or slightly warm tone reduces defensiveness. This doesn’t mean being fake—just professional.

Instead of: “Whatever. Fine. Do what you want.”

Try: “Thanks for letting me know. I hope the event goes well.”

Firm

End the conversation clearly. Don’t leave openings for continued argument.

Instead of: “I guess that could work, but I’m not sure, let me think about it, maybe we could…”

Try: “I can do the pickup at 5pm on Friday. Let me know if that works.”

10 Practical Communication Tips

1. Use Written Communication

Text, email, or a co-parenting app creates a record and gives you time to think before responding.

Benefits of written communication:

You can review your message before sending
You have documentation of agreements
You can respond when you’re calm, not reactive
Reduces phone call confrontations

2. Wait Before Responding

If a message triggers an emotional reaction:

Write your response but don’t send it
Wait at least an hour (or overnight for important matters)
Re-read and edit before sending
Ask yourself: “Would I be comfortable if a judge read this?“

Keep communication focused on:

Schedules and logistics
Health and medical needs
Education and school events
Safety concerns

Avoid:

Discussing your relationship or the divorce
Criticising each other’s parenting
Bringing up past grievances
Discussing new partners (unless it directly affects the children)

4. Use “I” Statements

Frame concerns from your perspective rather than accusations.

Instead of: “You never tell me about school events.”

Try: “I’d like to receive information about school events. Can we set up a system for sharing that?“

5. Establish Communication Boundaries

Agree on:

Preferred method: Text for quick logistics, email for longer discussions
Response time expectations: 24 hours for non-urgent matters
Emergency protocols: When it’s okay to call directly
Off-limits topics: Things better handled through lawyers or mediators

6. Create Agenda-Based Discussions

For regular co-parenting check-ins:

Share an agenda in advance
Stick to the listed topics
Set a time limit
End with clear action items

7. Acknowledge the Other Parent’s Perspective

You don’t have to agree, but acknowledging shows you’ve heard them.

Example: “I understand you’re concerned about the cost. Here’s why I think this activity is worth it for Emma…”

This is different from agreeing. You’re simply recognising their position exists.

8. Separate Urgent from Non-Urgent

Not every message needs an immediate response. Establish what counts as urgent:

Urgent (respond quickly):

Medical emergencies
Safety concerns
Immediate schedule changes

Non-urgent (respond within 24-48 hours):

Expense reimbursement requests
Activity sign-up decisions
Schedule change requests for next month

9. Use a Neutral Third Space

Instead of messaging back and forth, consider:

A shared digital calendar for schedules
A co-parenting app for messages and expenses
A shared document for important child information

This keeps communication organised and accessible to both parents.

10. Know When to Disengage

Some conversations should end:

When it becomes circular (same points repeated)
When tone becomes hostile
When the topic isn’t about the children
When you need time to think

It’s okay to say: “I need time to consider this. I’ll respond by [specific time].”

Handling Common Difficult Situations

When Your Co-Parent Won’t Respond

If you need a decision and aren’t getting a response:

Send a clear deadline: “Please let me know by Friday at 5pm”
Explain the default: “If I don’t hear back, I’ll assume [X]”
Keep records of your attempts to communicate
For time-sensitive matters, your agreement may specify what happens

When Messages Become Hostile

Don’t match their tone
Respond only to the factual content
If messages are threatening or harassing, document and consult your lawyer
Consider whether the message requires any response at all

When You Disagree

State your position once, clearly
If they continue to argue, don’t repeat yourself
Suggest mediation for ongoing disagreements
Some disagreements don’t need to be resolved—they just need to be managed

When You Need to Set a Boundary

Be direct but not aggressive:

“I won’t be discussing [topic] through text”
“Please communicate through [method] rather than [method]”
“I’ll respond to messages about the children. I won’t respond to messages about our past relationship”

Tools That Help

Several tools can improve co-parenting communication:

Shared calendars: Both parents can see and update schedules
Co-parenting apps: Keep messages, expenses, and schedules in one place
Email folders: Create a dedicated folder for co-parenting communication
Templates: Pre-written responses for common situations reduce emotional labor

When Communication Isn’t Possible

In some situations—such as domestic violence or extreme conflict—direct communication may not be safe or productive. Options include:

Communicating only through lawyers
Using a parallel parenting approach (minimal direct contact)
Court-appointed parenting coordinators
Supervised communication apps

If you’re in a situation involving abuse or threats, prioritise your safety and consult with appropriate professionals.

The Long View

Improving communication takes time. You may not see changes in your co-parent’s behaviour even if you change yours. But by communicating clearly and calmly:

You create a record of reasonable behaviour
You model healthy communication for your children
You reduce your own stress by not engaging in conflict
You make it harder for small issues to escalate

Your goal isn’t to change your co-parent. It’s to communicate in a way that serves your children’s best interests—regardless of how your co-parent chooses to respond.